Insecurities

I want to call this one another ‘real talk’ because I think it really is about being real on here and insecurities are about the ‘realest’ you can get. But my lovely friend Brene Brown told me to fully live and experience all emotions I need to be vulnerable, so here is my vulnerability.

When I was going through my teen years I thought everyone else had all their stuff together. I thought everyone looked and acted like they had life in the bag and had no problems whatsoever. And here I was with normal teen problems like acne, awkward personality, odd fashion sense, pressured to be a certain way, pressured to blend in and be ‘normal’. It was hard to be myself because I felt like myself was always a little short of everyone else. So I tried harder to wear the fashionable clothes because I felt like that helped me look more normal, and I smiled all the time even when I wasn’t happy. This all started when I was 13, living in my home town of Toronto. I always wanted to be smart, to have great friends, and go do all the great things but I also never had the drive to be that social. I had more drive to do my homework in the evenings than I did to go outside and see my neighbors down the street. I had more drive to be on my own than be with other people. I began to think ‘this isn’t normal’. I am not normal.

I moved to Seattle when I was 15 and grew up in a very different environment. My days were spent with people who had the same interests I did. They did more outside of school than I had ever thought, they joined clubs, took advanced classes, joined community events, volunteered etc. That was impressive, that was absolutely new and I felt a little more at home knowing there are people who enjoy these things like me. But I also got caught in another form of insecurities during my home life. I went home each night to a place that was pretty bad, arguments happened all the time and I was told many things about myself that were not true. But at 15 I believed them because adults were telling me and I trusted the adults around me. I started to really hate who I was, I hated the person I became, I felt so lonely and so lost that I needed to feel something so I forced myself to be outside of my home. I forced myself to get out of the house away from all the negativity and all the fighting. I made friends, I joined clubs, I volunteered my time and it was all worth it but it was hard knowing home wasn’t a safe place to go.

Insecurities followed me to my personal life, I got married and then divorced and that broke me down. I felt like I had failed my world, I had absolutely failed and everyone was there to see it because social media is a thing and everyone could see my life displayed. I was talked about in the mall when I walked around and saw old class mates, I was talked about by others because of things my friends overheard. This grew my insecurities, the entire situation did. This was a time I had to spend more and more time with myself, to learn who I was again and accept myself. I went to therapy, lots of therapy and I talked to people who would listen and give me advice. I got closer to the people who didn’t judge but instead who embraced the pain I was going through and took it on as their own. I took the steps to be happier (as in the former real talk post) and I learned new things. I started exploring new places and going on new adventures. I found people who were more like me, and most importantly I found confidence in the person I was becoming.

And so, in a nut shell we end up here. Here in this world that I have created for myself. One still filled with insecurities because I wish I could say they’re all gone but they aren’t. I always want to be more and better, I ask myself “Why can’t I be that _?” and fill in the blank with anything. Happy, smart, smiley, energetic, outgoing, extroverted etc. Where and why did I start to believe that being me was the worst thing in the world? Why did I want to be like the others when I can embrace being me? I don’t know, I can’t really recall when it first began. I can blame many things like upbringing, social pressures, social media, magazines etc. But we all have to deal with it, in fact I think its something more people don’t realize others have to deal with until someone speaks out about it. It’s a long journey to be perfectly happy with who you are, and that’s okay. Giving myself the thoughts to ask why I can’t be happier or smarter, those are okay to ask myself and then move on from. I acknowledge that I have them and then let them pass because they are just thoughts and not anything I will invest more than a few seconds in.

Now the good thoughts, those we cherish, those are the ones we have to sit with for a few minutes and really take in. Like when someone gives you a compliment and you say any excuse to deflect the attention. “Great job today!” - Oh I really didn’t do anything. Those are the times we need to take those and really say “Thank you” and maybe even “Yes I did do a good job today”. Acknowledging the accomplishments is severely lacking in my world today, maybe yours too. And what does this tell us when we deflect that positive attention? I think it tells us its not important enough to remember. Why isn’t it important to remember? Well there go the insecurities again, the comparing and thinking of all the things you did wrong when someone is telling you what you did right and you deflect the energy.

There’s a lesson to learn here and I don’t think I have the full picture yet. But all the bad things you remember, the things people told you, the negative things you always tell yourself, those things should not take up more than a second in your mind. And the good, the things that make you smile without even meaning to, that make you feel hopeful, the people who are rooting for you. Those are the things we should keep in our minds for minutes, for hours, those are things we should always remember. When the hard days come, because we know they will, that is when we need to bring those good memories out from storage and put them on replay, constantly.