Real Talk
Let’s real talk for a moment, not like everything else isn’t real talk but I want to address an issue I’ve seen many people face but do so in silence. Let’s talk about mental health and mental illness. There are many different types, I just happen to be the sort that has been through one (depression) and am currently going through another (anxiety). I have been working through the anxiety but as I reflect on my journey so far I can see that depression played a much larger part of my days, my mind set, and really influenced my behavior for large periods of time. I was struck with depression, it didn’t come about slowly it actually came about one day while I was going through a hard time. My depression was not cyclical though it felt like certain times of the month brought it on stronger (ladies know what I mean) and it is not chronic, meaning it is not embedded in my dna to occur all my life. I did not take medication to get through it but I took a lot of time and self reflection for it, not to say that will work for everyone but here is how it happened for me:
I displayed the signs of depression as I went through a stressful time in my life, relationship and marriage was ending and I was falling apart. I depended too much on someone who would not and could not provide support for me, we ended our time together and I felt really alone. I felt so small, lost, and I couldn’t even describe who I was. It was really hard for me to identify with being me, Kim, that one girl. I couldn’t even see myself or figure out who I was, it took a lot of time and therapy to get me to figure out who I was being on my own. It’s funny how identity becomes so wrapped up in other people and you start to lose yourself in things. Sometimes that’s a good thing, lose yourself in art, music, etc. But sometimes its a negative thing, when you can no longer distinguish who you are, what you mean to the world and to yourself, without the idea of someone else beside you. It was terrifying to re-build and begin to establish myself again. It was a hard process, but it was also a time to create and find out who I wanted to be and who I was meant to be. Even through all the searching and the clawing my way through days, it didn’t all happen one day. I didn’t wake up on the 50th day and say to myself, ‘today it’ll be different’. No, I didn’t have that strength, I woke up each morning exhausted from the day before, over worked and constantly busy, I kept myself busy on purpose. But I was always tired, I was always sad and I ruminate on negative things throughout the day. I’m pretty sure I was well into a year of depression when I started to really think about who I wanted to be and that was when I made small steps each day. I had moments and glimpses of happiness, eventually those moments became longer but it took months for that to happen. Gradual, and small steps got me out of it. About a few weeks into this change, into my refocus on small changes each day, I decided I was tired of being sad, I was really tired of being negative and putting myself down and over all I was just tired of constantly being tired. There must be another way to live, there must be some sort of happiness trigger, a key to smiles, a secret passage way into the happiness and laughter. At the time I was pursuing a science degree and I thought to myself ‘what would a scientist do?’. I had this idea that math never failed, science theories never fail, so let’s see what that can do for me. And so I did what anyone using science would do, I relied on Google to help me with my happiness journey.
Google is interesting, it brings up many different steps so I decided I’d choose the first option that came up in the search bar. I thought, great I’ll get the key and just do that every single day and then I’ll be happy and it turned out the first search gave me 12 steps. I was disappointed in 12 because that’s 11 more keys than I had expected but hey I was on a roll and if Google could guarantee my happiness then hells yea I’m going to take the 12 steps. I did as many as I could each day, I put my exhaustion effort into it, I turned the tired effort into the happiness effort and day after day it actually started to work. I noticed a change a few weeks into the steps I was using, though this may not work for everyone again I stress that this may not work for you but it worked for me, my effort into these steps helped me redirect my energy into happiness. The 12 steps were:
1) Hang out with the people you get energy from - I may have embellished this one a little bit but it’s true all the same (the original version was hang out with friends). Be around people who give you energy, and not those who take it from you. Be able to reflect on time with friends and ask yourself if your time with them made you happy or if it made you feel anything but happy. And spending time with good people gets you out of the house, gets you moving (unless you’re laying on the floor with your friends?) and potentially gives you the chances to experience new things/meet new people.
2) Find a hobby - Find something you enjoy doing and dedicate time to doing that thing. For me I decided that hiking would be my thing. I went on so many hikes around the Seattle area (maybe a post about this one later too?) and I found so many new beautiful adventures on my hikes. But a hobby can be anything you love to do and feel accomplished and good when doing it.
3) Volunteer - I jumped right into this one because I really love volunteering! If you have a chance to choose something I hope you pick something you really love because I started volunteering at a farm first, helping with manual labor in the fields. Then I wanted to volunteer with people and helped out at Seattle Children’s Autism center. Giving back time gives so much value to your time.
4) Work out - Not only does it help you look good with your physical appearance but it actually creates the happy hormones in your body to come out too. Sweating a little bit each day does wonders and you’ll start to notice just how strong you are. It builds up confidence and happiness at the same time, this one is a two for one and a great one to invest in.
5) Write in a journal - Spending a few minutes each day to write and reflect on life is a great way to see what you have. I like writing out my thoughts and hopes but also what I am grateful for in life. Even a few moments to write something small, really helps your mind take away time from social media, news, and constant intake of new data. Put thoughts on paper.
6) Look for the good - You can see situations in many different lights but think of the happiest person you know and when you go through a hard time ask yourself ‘what would that happy person think and do in this situation?’. There are many sides to situations and there will always be hard times to go through. Loss of anything or anyone is hard, being stuck in a situation that is frustrating is hard. I can not tell you how hard it is, I see how hard it can be and I’ve been through some really hard times. Those hard times will be there, they will always pop back up. Remembering that these things are happening now, they will either make you bitter about it for the future or they can make you that much better for it. Use this time to make you better, whatever it is, there is always a silver lining. Each night I would write something good about the day, my days are sometimes mundane and there are bad ones but I try my best to highlight and remember what was good about the day. Even if it’s simply that the sun was out, I heard a bird chirp, I got to see a friend etc. Highlight and look for the good and make a point in your day to acknowledge it. Those little moments have added up for me.
7) Listen to good music - Get a play list and listen to music that makes you feel like dancing and makes you happy.
8) Get a pet - This one was a funny one for me because at the time I read this list I was living with my dad and couldn’t afford a pet. I probably couldn’t even take care of one. So I thought, what in the world does a pet do that helps? Well it gets you outside if you have to walk it all the time, it lets you spend time kind of alone because its just you and it, and the pet you have just sits there and listens to you all the time. In my journey, I skipped this one, I thought the points I just previously brought up were already found in my habits by hiking (spending time outside), journal writing (spending time alone) and spending time with good people (who always listened to me). But pets help with anxiety and stress! That’s been proven. If you can afford one, go get one. Maybe not a fish?
9) Get yourself a gift - Spending on yourself is a good thing. Not excessive but giving back to yourself by getting a massage, finally buying that video game, buying those pants etc. Are all great ways to give yourself a gift! Don’t do this one if you constantly buy yourself things, then this steps impact won’t be as large. I mean still be good to you but the other steps are more important then.
10) Meditate - Meditation was the thing that I was told to do. I took ten minutes each day to spend time alone and sit in silence, and listen to myself just breathe. It helps wonders. There are many great apps for this now too, I personally like Head Space that helps with my breathing and walks me through exercises and guided meditation. It’s a great way to view your thoughts and monitor them, it’s been really helpful with anxiety.
11) Clean up - Something I learned early on in depression is that when my surroundings and my home was a mess I also felt my feelings reflected the mess. Be clean and tidy, make home a place where you want to be and rest. It is a place that is to shelter you when you are done your long and tiring days, it is your sanctuary. It shouldn’t be a place of dirt, of disorder. It has to be a place where you feel relaxed, comfortable and fully at ease. It helps when this place and your home are clean and inviting, are well taken care of. Then your home can give you the comfort and be a safe place to just be.
12) Travel - Even talking about a trip and planning out a trip you don’t intend to take, actually raises your mood. So I’d say, save up and plan a trip, go somewhere new and experience new adventures. You can’t be sad if you’re traveling, you can’t dwell on negative thoughts when you’re learning about the world’s history and all its weird human events. You really can’t be sad if you’re basking on a beach somewhere in the sunshine. It’s just super hard to do that while you’re out traveling and taking in the world.
I did all the steps above for months, I even started doing additional things like saying 5 things I like about myself in the car while on the way to school/work. I put little notes on the mirror that reminded me to say nice things, think good thoughts, be good to myself that day. I kept asking ‘what would a happy person be doing right at this moment?’ and then I’d go do that. ‘How would a happy person react to this?’ and then I’d react that way. Smile more, even at strangers (but don’t be weird) and laugh, give people reasons to smile more and laugh with you. Little things really do all collectively help with mood. Eventually over time I saw the changes, I saw what it took to bring back some light in my life and then I noticed that slowly each day the light became more frequent. It took up more time and my mental health got better. I make it sound easy here as I type this out but I have to remind myself too that it was not easy, it was not a switch, and just like the depression hit me it didn’t disappear just a fast. My situation and life brought me to depression and with a lot of effort I got out of it. I had people around me to talk with, I had therapy to lean on and work with, and after all that I had myself to also depend on. It was a long long journey, it took years and years. In my opinion the effort to get out of the hole I felt stuck in was all worth it in the end. And to this day, happiness is still a journey I take every day. It’s not easy, it does not take one day, it takes a crap ton of effort (12 steps for goodness sake!) but it’s all worth it.